Pete Doherty signs for QPR

Doherty in front of a sell out Loftus Road crowd

QPR have boosted their attacking options by signing smack monkey Pete Doherty on a season-long loan from Wormwood Scrubs FC, in a deal thought to be worth over 12 wraps of heroin a week.

Manager Neil Warnock had spoken of the need to find other jailbirds to keep Joey Barton company in the dressing room.

‘He has a good left foot on him and his time spent behind bars will make Joey feel a little more comfortable in the armoured van we are using to transport them between away games.’

Doherty, who was lying in a pool of his own sick, was unavailable for comment on how he would fit into the newly promoted side.