Cheating housewives celebrate the opening weekend of the EPL

Richard Gere couldn't care less if he is caught offside

The adulterous wives of football supporters are preparing for the first afternoon of extra-marital afternoon sex since May.

As their husbands are wrapping themselves in team scarves and heading down to stadium or pub, women across the country are waiting anxiously for men called names like ‘Paco’ who are more interested in shagging your missus than watching grown men kick an inflated pigskin around a field.

One randy woman, who wished to remain anonymous, told Lawn Sports ‘It’s been a nightmare this summer. Yeah there was the Copa America thing on for a bit, but he lost interest in that pretty quickly. I’ve been gagging for it.’

‘I just hope Wayne Roody or George Best or whoever scores a load of good ball kicks so my husband will want to watch the whole thing again on Match of the Day tonight. That will give me a half an hour window to pop down to Tesco and get a second helping in the car park.’

The mistresses of the Premier Leagues top performers will not be sharing this sense of frustration, however.

Nicholas Anelka: Housewives favourite

Players like Ryan Giggs and John Terry are so skilled that they are able to simultaneously play at the top level of football whilst also shagging celebrities, team mate’s partners, members of their own extended family and almost certainly your beloved.

The wife of a Chelsea supporter told Lawn Sports ‘That Nicholas Anelka is lovely. He can give me a Bosman free transfer anytime he likes.’